All week long, everyone has been asking me "are you exciting that this is your last week at work?" To answer that question, I have a choice. I can lie and say yes, faking a sheepish smile or I can tell the truth and say it's been a emotionally difficult week. That usually makes people feel awkward so I shoot down the middle and say it's an interesting position to be in. I wonder if some people judge me for loving my job and loving my family at the same time.
I want friends and family to understand and respect that this is truly a very difficult decision we've made for our family, albeit the right one. I love, love, love, my job working with college students and I will miss this environment so very much. I thank God for having the ability to work these past eleven years and be happy going to work virtually 99% of the time. Ultimately, I know I've made the right choice and come next Wednesday when I wake up to spend that first day with my two beautiful children, I know I'll feel at peace. Right now, I'm struggling with the anxiety of it all. If you know anyone in the Porter family, this would not come as a surprise. I pray that being a stay at home mom will provide me with the opportunity to dig deeper in my faith, helping me to turn all my control issues, fears and anxieties over to Christ. As I often tell my sisters ,who also share the control freak gene - I need to give the steering wheel back to Jesus. We coined this phrase well before Carrie Underwood came onto the scene.
So as the weight of the countdown to my last day next Tuesday wears on me this week, God comes in at just the right moment. I am creating the last of the transition notes for my replacement here at BSC, listening to http://www.lastfm.com/. A song comes on by Sara Groves called Remember Surrender and these are the words I hear...
Remember surrender • Remember the rest • Remember that weight lifting off of your chest • And realizing that it's not up to you and it never was • • Remember surrender • Remember relief • Remember how tears rolled down both of your cheeks • As the warmth of a heavenly father came closing in • • I want to do that again • Why can't I live there • And make my home • In sweet surrender • I want to do so much more than remember • • Remember surrender • Remember peace • Remember how soundly you fell fast asleep • In the face of your troubles your future still shone like the morning sun • • Remember surrender • Remember that sound • Of all of those voices dying down • But one who speaks clearly of helping and healing you deep within • • I want to do that again • Why can't I live there • And make my home • In sweet surrender • I want to do so much more than remember • • Remember • Oh surrender • • I want to do that again • Oh why can't I live there and make my home • In sweet surrender • I want to do so much more than remember • • Remember • • Remember surrender • Remember the rest • Remember that weight lifting off of your chest • And realizing that it's not up to you and it never was • •
What a peace washed over me. It's going to be ok.